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* My paid journal expires in five days and I've been keeping an eye on the countdown....this morning I decided to chuck $5 at LJ for another two months....but I don't know anymore what I'm doing or where or when or even how. I cannot stand the ads and I do want to support a platform that has been so incredibly important to me these past fifteen years...and yet.

* Still not writing. Even this small bit of typing is giving me anxiety. I feel completely unmoored and adrift.

* I did finish Deep Survival and can recommend that highly. I'm reading so much poetry. And it helps. I do believe that in trauma, the human animal craves universal symbolism; meaning that resonates in a psychic well so deep there is no bottom to it, so filled with amniotic sea water that it cannot be drunk but must be immersed in. Poetry offers this.

The holiest of all holidays are those
Kept by ourselves in silence and apart;
The secret anniversaries of the heart


* My father and I shared all the same shows, so no Vikings for me. But D and I did decide to finish Peaky Blinders a few weeks back and although I was left thinking, damn, Dad's never going to know how batshit crazy THAT got, I was happy I stuck with it because it was gloriously done. We are watching Portlandia now because laughing.

* My "difficult" sister and I are working together to help my mother. I spend half the week at her home, and A spends the other half. I actually stay the nights, but A has small children and can only spend the days. Some of those nights I've gotten a distraught phone call from my mom and have had to barrel down the hill to stay with her. Terrible. We are waiting for Arlington to contact her about the interment and I'm hoping that will be another healing salve. I don't know.

* I don't know anything anymore and its a wonderment to me that I ever believed I knew a single damned thing. Hubris.

* I've been wearing these plaid jeans everytime I go out. Current Elliott Soho Stiletto. They cheer me up and I love them.

* I think of all of you and hope that each one of you is well and happy!

Comments

( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
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egg_shell
Jan. 21st, 2018 07:15 pm (UTC)
It's a hard, dark time with constant reminders of your loss. I don't suppose winter helps. It will get better though. The first year is the worst - that's what they say and it seems true. I'm glad to see your update.
bleodswean
Jan. 21st, 2018 11:21 pm (UTC)
Thank you, M. So much. You have no idea how your journal entries through the years, through your own experiences, have stayed with me. Comforted me.
rayaso
Jan. 21st, 2018 07:32 pm (UTC)
I have been thinking about you and your family, and wondering how you were doing. Things will get better.

I hope you keep posting on LJ -- your entries are wonderful, and I would miss them.

I don't have a paid membership and I never see any ads. I probably shouldn't have written that. I didn't mean it! I see lots of ads, and read every one! I use an ad blocker, which may make a difference. No I don't! I never use them. Death to ad blockers!

It is wonderful that you and your sister are able to provide such help.
bleodswean
Jan. 21st, 2018 11:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you, G. Things are definitely going to change. I'm not sure "better" is the word I'm ready for yet. But I get your meaning. I do consider it a blessing of sorts that we are able to help her. And that is completely because of my father and all the hard work he did in this last year.

Ha! I'm surprised how many don't have paid accounts. Back in the day that was the thing! Hmmm....I won't tell anyone about your nefarious ways.
murielle
Jan. 21st, 2018 07:43 pm (UTC)
I get the need to immerse. I love that for you it's poetry. For me it was OZ. I know, but could anything be further from my mother? I get that there are things you shared with your dad that you can't watch now. Three things I can't watch anymore: hockey, figure skating, horse jumping...oh!...and Jeopardy, that's four. We'd watch together over the phone. Not the same without her voice.

How wonderful of you to be spending the nights as well as alternate days with your mom.

I've been thinking of you. Missing your voice. I understand about LiveJournal. I understand about writing. So glad to see you in my inbox. Take whatever time you need. Because you need time right now...and hugs...and snazzy plaid jeans. Anything that makes you smile, happy, gives you peace even for an instant be greedy with it. Huge hugs...huge huge huge hugs
bleodswean
Jan. 21st, 2018 11:40 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I'm missing our convos, M. Very, very much. How are YOU? We need to catch up.

And yes, there are certain things that are simply too impossible to attempt again. And that's okay, too. My life is shifting and changing. I'm learning so much now that the initial horror has lessened. Trying to listen and learn.
jaelle_n_gilla
Jan. 21st, 2018 07:55 pm (UTC)
My account is an "Account without additional packages" and has been for a while. I use ABP (Ad Blocker Plus) for Firefox and see no ads (which is a blessing).

What a nice thing to enjoy the same shows as your father. My parents differ a lot from me in taste and TV shows. There is hardly one that we both enjoy. My aunt was worse going for German telenovelas which I can't stand! *g*

I'm sorry for your mother and how the death of her husband affects her. It must be so hard! Many hugs and good thoughts to you and her. I hope the interment helps. Waiting for that date is the worst. I hope it will happen soon and give you closure in a way.
bleodswean
Jan. 21st, 2018 11:57 pm (UTC)
I'm surprised that some of my regular flisters don't have paid accounts! It's good to know!

My father and I had a lot in common. He was a prolific reader and is the one that had me reading King and Cormac McCarthy. ;)

Yes, my mother is not doing well. She left her parents' house fifty-five years ago and married my father and is struggling with the loneliness, finality, and grief. :( I feel blessed that I'm able to help.
engarian
Jan. 21st, 2018 09:50 pm (UTC)
The first year is the worst because you turn around expecting the person to be there, and there is an emptiness instead. I wish I had answers for you regarding your mother, but I think everyone is different and she's dealing (or not) with things as best she can. I can only say, from one who went through this, that it absolutely gets better - every day!

- Erulisse (one L)
bleodswean
Jan. 21st, 2018 11:58 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for these comforting words. Yes, yes, and yes.

My mother is struggling. She's never been on her own, left her parents' home to marry him and that was fifty-five years ago. :(
(no subject) - ashbet - Jan. 26th, 2018 12:37 am (UTC) - Expand
ryl
Jan. 21st, 2018 11:48 pm (UTC)
You're not missing anything with Vikings. It's still well off the rails.

Poetry is very healing. So much packed in such a small space and each time you read it there's something new that reaches you. I aspire to that level of talent but I know I don't have it. I'm grateful to those who do and share their gift.

*hugs*
bleodswean
Jan. 21st, 2018 11:58 pm (UTC)
Heh. Well I am missing Floki (bae) but I tried the first episode of this season and had a full blown panic attack, so yeah no. It's been off the rails, hon, for a long time! ;)

Poetry is the language of the soul. No question.
elenbarathi
Jan. 22nd, 2018 03:10 am (UTC)
*hugs hugs* So good to see you here, even if only briefly. Please don't leave Lj; I'd miss you a lot!

Wishing you peace and healing, and for your mother and sister too. Love you, hon; hang in there.
bleodswean
Jan. 22nd, 2018 04:49 pm (UTC)
*HUGS* Thank you, dearheart. It's the knowledge that I would miss YOU that sways the pendulum back to wanting to stay. Your words mean so much.
(no subject) - elenbarathi - Jan. 24th, 2018 03:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
geekslave
Jan. 22nd, 2018 05:02 am (UTC)
Glad you and your sister are able to provide some comfort to your mother.

Cute pants.

Stacey
bleodswean
Jan. 22nd, 2018 04:49 pm (UTC)
Thanks, S! It feels like a blessing that we are here for her, but he worked hard to make that a reality by moving them here last year.

These pants!
(no subject) - geekslave - Jan. 24th, 2018 06:04 am (UTC) - Expand
tsuki_no_bara
Jan. 22nd, 2018 06:19 am (UTC)
those are crazy jeans, and i mean that in the most complimentary way possible.

i hope you keep posting, because i'd miss you a lot if you stopped. and it sounds like you and your sister are trying your best with mom, altho i bet it's exhausting. *hugs* take care of yourself too.
bleodswean
Jan. 22nd, 2018 04:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks, C. I cannot say enough about these jeans. And every single time I wear them I get someone commenting. In a good way! They are simultaneously punky/hip and retro cool.

Knowing that I would be missed and that I would miss in turn does keep me on the side of staying. I'm glad you're still here. I need to catch up on your life!

It is exhausting. And deeply worrisome. And very faith-shaking, too. Such a time.
(no subject) - ashbet - Jan. 26th, 2018 12:39 am (UTC) - Expand
mallorys_camera
Jan. 22nd, 2018 03:17 pm (UTC)
I am very sorry for the deep, deep aching in your heart. May your father's memory be a blessing.
bleodswean
Jan. 22nd, 2018 04:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much, P. Your words mean more than you can know. His memory is a daily presence and a blessing.
swirlsofblue
Jan. 22nd, 2018 07:50 pm (UTC)
*Hugs*

Be gentle with yourself, it all takes time, allow yourself time, allow yourself whatever you need to. Everything will be changed forever. But it won't be terrible forever. Just different.

You need to do what you feel is best for you. You would be very missed but there are other non-LJ ways of staying in touch.

Best of wishes.
bleodswean
Jan. 22nd, 2018 08:27 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you, J. Your words mean so much. I've dropped all social media. And don't see myself returning. LJ will always be my sentimental holdout. But yeah...I know what you're saying. Where are you keeping yourself these days?
(no subject) - swirlsofblue - Jan. 23rd, 2018 06:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
beautyizdead
Jan. 22nd, 2018 09:07 pm (UTC)
I haven't had a paid account in years. Before I would have supported LiveJournal but not anymore with as much as they really don't care about the site that much. I mean the app sucks and they haven't touched it in years. In 2018 the app should work but just shut down. I therefore use the webpage and turn on the ad blocker.

Glad to see you back though.

I'm waiting to start Peaky and just finished Portlandia. I love that show so much. The goths kill me!
bleodswean
Jan. 22nd, 2018 11:33 pm (UTC)
Peaky is fantastic! And yes, Portlandia - so freakin' funny!

It's interesting how many flisters don't have paid accounts. I'm definitely going to have to investigate this more!

Thanks. I appreciate that!
halfshellvenus
Jan. 23rd, 2018 02:09 am (UTC)
I hope you'll stay with us, and know that you'll eventually work your way back to writing and creating and not feeling as if every single day is utterly out of your control.

With your whole family grieving, you are supporting each other while trying to deal with your own pain, and it can just be exhausting at times.

*hugs*

bleodswean
Jan. 23rd, 2018 04:56 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thanks, K. It means a lot. I do hope writing returns at some point...

Yes, this is all so true. And exhaustion, mental, physical, and emotional, is my day-to-day.

Hope you are well!
frenchani
Jan. 23rd, 2018 09:39 am (UTC)
For years I used to watch rugby matches thinking of my father because it was something we watched together when I was a teenager...Bittersweet at first, but eventually you only remember the fact that you shared something.

I never had a paid account, only a basic one with only 6 LJ icons, so no ads at all. :- )
bleodswean
Jan. 23rd, 2018 04:56 pm (UTC)
Another non-paid regular! I am so surprised by this!

I hope that rings true someday!
spotzle
Jan. 26th, 2018 11:29 pm (UTC)
*hugs you* I'm so glad you popped up. I've been wondering about you and hoping that you're okay.

I love Portlandia.
bleodswean
Jan. 27th, 2018 06:26 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you, hon.

Portlandia!!! It's like a dark mirror. EEK!
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( 37 comments — Leave a comment )