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Didja think i couldn't dance? :)

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I love love love that picture of my mom teaching me to hula. I've ordered a canvas for her for Mother's Day. Even with the crazy rollers in her hair, I think she's going to like it.

Take pictures of the ones you love, but take pictures WITH the ones you love. I'm always the one behind the camera...and that is a bit of a bummer now. But I do have tons of pictures of other people with my dad and that makes me happy for them.

* Poetry workshop started this weekend and so far it's good. Getting me thinking creatively again. I've pulled out all the poems I've written the past few years and am pleased with some of them, more pleased with the capturing of a moment's experience/feeling/thought but I can build on that. Should build on that. I am going to free-write every morning this week. Setting the alarm for 6:30 as D is on vacation and he'll want to sleep in a bit...I'll just sneak downstairs and work quietly...

* ...on this amazing qwerkywriter that he just bought me for my birthday. I mentioned how I've been buying typewriters on the cheap at thrift stores....it was to see if I really wanted to spring for a mechanical keyboard and I LOVE IT!!! It's an absolute hoot and so fun to type on.
* I've been taking longer and longer walks in the woods. Nature has been calling to me in a new voice. A body-kindred voice. It's sprinkling outside and I decided to go and walk in the rain. Just lovely.

* So, tomorrow the poetry workshop begins. I would like to get up early and approach it from a place of quiet solitude. I'm looking at word docs of my poetry, squinting at the words, trying to remember that they emanated from me. I continue to return to this - hubris. Perhaps that's the way in, the threshold that needs to be crossed over.

* Trying, really, to find my way back here. Back to a community that is connected primarily via creativity. That's what LJ is for me, always has been. But each time I open a tab to post from, my mouth goes dry and I have to stand up quickly and find some sort of truly menial busy work. Washing all the windows in the house, washing the cupboards, spening 15 minutes decluttering, standing on the edge of the deck looking out into the woods, the trees blurry with grief. Who knew that grief would demand so much cleanliness? Not I. This week has been very bad. Easter. And the promise of spring's renewal at the end of every tree branch, beneath the ground, in the courtship song of the robins. It's wrecked me. I actually hyperventilated this morning driving back home from a night at my mother's house. Had to pull the car over and try to remind my body of the mechanics of breathing. Terrible. I'm not sleeping but I can't seem to read, so it's lying awake in the night sifting through memories as sharp as photographs. Strange.

* One thing I'm learning about loss. There's no sense in ripping yourself open. There are no words of comfort and there is no healing to be found in tears. There is only this - "Do not walk away in sorrow. Do not be consoled."

* But April is the month of poetry, and I've forced myself to enroll in a poetry workshop. I think this is a step forward even if it feels a bit like falling into the abyss. We shall see.

* I bought two old electric typewriters at the thrift store last week and they are quite amusing! Typing class in highschool was like learning a new language and we had the machines that had unmarked keys. It's impressive how much the modern keyboard is an improvement over the old clickety clacking.

* D and I are watching The Terror. I was giddy to discover that my celebrity crush - Jared Harris - is in the cast. I just absolutely adore his face and his teeth and the lispy way he has of talking. I love him. Not quite sure about the show yet. Hope it begins to fall into place.

* James Baldwin -

Life is tragic simply because the earth turns, and the sun inexorably rises and sets, and one day, for each of us, the sun will go down for the last, last time. Perhaps the whole root of our trouble, the human trouble, is that we will sacrifice all the beauty of our lives, will imprison ourselves in totems, taboos, crosses, blood sacrifices, steeples, mosques, races, armies, flags, nations, in order to deny the fact of death, which is the only fact we have. It seems to me that one ought to rejoice in the fact of death – ought to decide, indeed, to earn one’s death by confronting with passion the conundrum of life. One is responsible to life: It is the small beacon in that terrifying darkness from which we come and to which we shall return, […] (“Down at the Cross,” in The Fire Next Time.)

Sad to hear that these two kids broke up. Recognitions is their last album. But it's glorious.

thanks, Dad

When I was 23 years old I lived in a very cool walkup with a ragtag band of "mods". My room, which was the coolest with a floor to ceiling window that opened to allow you to walk out onto the metal roof of the downstairs porch, looked out over the next door neighbor's backyard. Tucked into the corner of that downtown Sac lot, up against the chainlink that fronted the alley, was a late 60's Lincoln Continental. With suicide doors. I fell madly in love from afar with that car. MADLY. HELPLESSLY. This was back before the internet and the only way one could obsess over a thing was to do the research. So I went to the library and checked out books, I went next door to Tower Books where I worked at Records, and borrowed all their coffee table books featuring a suicide door Lincoln. (Yes, we allowed employees to borrow whatever they so desired.) I harrassed Lincoln owners any time I encountered them, which wasn't often. And I got it into my head that I could no longer go on sucking oxygen unless I owned a Lincoln Continental with suicide doors. I explained this to my father and two weeks later he called me and said he found one.

I drove home (my parents house will always be "home") and he and I drove to the trailer park where a senior citizen had a 1965 champagne blue with champagne blue leather interior Lincoln parked in her overflow space with a plastic For Sale signed taped into the rear window. It was flawless. And had 60,000 miles on it. And tricked out insane Thunderbird rims. My dad handed her $2,000 and I drove this automotive behometh back to Sac. I paid my parents $100 a month for this dream come true.

Here it is, fifteen years later, the day I sold it. *weeps* It looks white, but it's the craziest shade of blue. Lincoln does refer to this as "champagne."


I cannot express how much I loved this car. How it completed me in ways that non-car lovers simply don't understand. Me. And this car.

D and I used this for our "Just Married" car and I wish I could find my wedding album to show you the pictures. We brought Kidling1 home in it. I drove it for years. It did get flooded in a storm drain backup issue and the insurance company "totalled" it. We made the hard decision to sell it and its parts car when we moved into the mountains. But as most of you know, D bought me another one a few years back  -

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Same color but newer model. It is slick.

Today I read this!!!! -

Lincoln Continental bringing back 'suicide' doors
* I think the circle of Hell we call Facebook will finally see its fiery end here very soon. This makes me very, very happy. Not sure what the next platform will look like. From the little research I've done, it looks to be an app and I dunno, that's not my preferance. I really prefer a literary interacting, a writerly type of bar, the exquisite corpse parlour.

* I know I've been absent. I wish I could rectify that. I don't seem to be able to do much of anything these days that used to bring me enjoyment. I'm trying to read, think in words, and take long walks. Actually, that's really all that I am doing.

* We got a very large snowstorm that moved through last Friday evening. It was pretty darned glorious. We need more moisture and we certainly need snowpack. Saturday was snow-wheeling day -

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* As you can see, we picked Kidling1 up on Friday, too. She's exhausted. She is halfway through her final semester of law school and is badly in need of a rest....but this week she's interviewing with all the local and semi-local Public Defender and Federal Defender offices. This is a person who really loves to work. She needs to work. So, I hope she lands a post-bar internship that will turn into a job offer. I'm relieved that she wants to return home and that she will be within an easy drive. She'll have to move into the poolhouse until August so that she can study for the bar, take the bar, and then FINALLY relax.

* Although sometime in the middle of all that we are going to have to fly out to Arlington Cemetery for my dad's service.

* Spent a long time on the phone with the local cemetery's sexton yesterday. He's finally hearing what I've been saying and he wants to explore green burials and cremains burials, also a log building for services. And Wreaths Across America. This is all good. But he wants me in charge of all this. We need auxillary groups and fundraising groups and groundskeeping groups. I am contemplating. A friend's daughter tragically drank herself to death last week and her service is on the 24th, so that will be a good opportunity for me to really consider this small graveyard.

* We watched the Tower Records documentary last night "All Things Must Pass" and it bummed me out supremely. The years I managed the import section in the 80's, working all the stores and even the main office eventually, were the things hipster dreams are dreamt on. Russ died Sunday evening at the age of 92. RIP Mr. Solomon.

i know my way is rough and steep

* Heading back down the hill in a few minutes to spend the afternoon with my mother. I haven't been able to spend Tuesday nights with her because of the freeze. I've had to come up the past two weeks, start a fire and let the Little Dog sleep inside. This house is so huge and open and if it's freezing outside and there is no fire inside for more than a day, it becomes very difficult to warm it back up again. I've been getting Code Red weather alerts on my phone, so I don't think I can stay down in the valley too long today. She still needs a tremendous amount of help. I'm working with her finances, but more than that she needs company and conversation. We took her out with us Saturday night to celebrate Kidling2's gf's birthday and it was such a simple, happy evening that she suffered terribly the next day. She doesn't want this to be her life. Two older couples came into the restaurant holding hands and that wrecked her. We finished the evening at a frozen yogurt bar and that, too, was wrenching because my father loved indulging. Anyway, the next day was bad. She's been having very Jungian dreams. That morning she dreamt that she was standing in the front yard with him and the entire property was buried beneath a blanket of fallen leaves. There was no ground visible. Theirs was the only yard on the street with these leaves and she kept asking him why, why, why. But he didn't answer her.

* I've slowly begun reading fanfic over at AO3. Greek Myth, Hades/Persephone. My weakness and my strength. I can feel the rising of words out of the dark waters of my mind.

* I've been asked to write an article about midwifery and found this - an unnamed wivestale "to birth your baby, the mother's soul must leave her body and go collect the baby's soul and bring it back."

This version. This.

into the dust

* It finally has gotten cold enough for the snow to stick and all the flurries we had the past few days - beautiful - have created a winter wonderland this morning. We're having a cold freeze but not sure how long this will last. Old Man Winter has been sleeping somewhere far north of here this year.


* TV. I'm able to watch The Olympics when I'm at my parent's house. We don't get it here. I adore The Olympics! And this year has been wonderful. Nathan Chen and the Shibutani's! The snowboarder who took the GS! Fun stuff. I do miss the human interest spots and I think NBC has done an abysmal job covering the games. The Frankenstein Chronicles is starting slow. Too slow for D, but I think I will watch it when I get some alone time. Any show that has Blake's deathbed? And Mary? That's interesting! Romantic Outlaws. We need more early 19th Century entertainment! We're late to this party, but Luther is wonderful albeit far-fetched. The Ritual couldn't sustain itself but wow it boasts one of the most frightening scenes I've ever been subjected to by a movie.

* Yearning for a GREAT British novel...but am not finding much.

* The new boundaries of my finite life are defined by my father's death.

Shall I be raised from death, the spirit asks.
And the sun says yes.
And the desert answers
your voice is sand scattered in wind. 
~ Louise Gluck

* My internal editor soul wants that to read "And the sea answers your voice is sand scattered on the shore."

* The ocean was amazing. And I needed it. So much crying. It was a terrible week for my mother and something in the heartstrings twanged all down the line and I felt emotionally wrecked, too. This week has been better. Thank god. But our little roadtrip was good. We saw a new part of the Oregon coast we had not seen before and I know now where I want to focus my energy and money for this absolutely reachable goal and realistic dream. Bandon! Port Orford! I'm actually in conversation with a realtor now about a house we fell into the abyss over in Bandon. My father's leaving has lessened the night terrors but increased the daytime panic. I don't want to run out of time before....I live by the sea. This must happen.

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Shhhhhhh....this cottage!!!!

Some photos I took behind the cut -
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* Trying and failing to read. Not trying to write. So failing that, too, I suppose. I see now why we have so many gods....when one flees or you bolt from it, then another is there to hold you. Hold your head above the primordial soup.

* Finished Altered Carbon and I have thoughts. I will try to respond to the comments on my previous post about it. I probably have to high of expectations for The Frankenstein Chronicles, but it looks so very much in my wheelhouse. I still salivate at the thought of Bean as Mellors in Lady Chatterley's Lover.

* I think of all sorts of things I want to tell the flist and then I sit down here at the desk and it's gone. I hope you're all well.
* We are leaving this morning for the coast. It's hard for me to leave my mother for three days, but she does have something on her calendar for Thursday. So that's good. We also got her set back up with Netflix and Kidling2 was over there yesterday teaching her how to work the TV remote because technology.

* Kidling2 and his gf are leaving for Mexico in the morning. Kidling1 was supposed to go, asked for the trip as her graduation gift, but over the holidays realized that she simply could not fit it in with her internship. So, she cancelled. Even with the travel insurance, we lost ducats, but that's how it goes. Now she's bummed out but I'm sure that will pass once she is doing jury selection for a murder trial next week.

* We are really enjoying Netflix's Altered Carbon. Well, except for the backstory episode which is a great teaching tool to writers. Don't do that. :)

I will never get enough of DEE's voice -