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January 2nd, 2019

* We're entering 2019 with some major changes. First, I'm marking this as the end of my year of grieving my father's death. Obviously, that doesn't mean that I'm not In Grief, but rather, that a year has come and gone without him and from here on out, it's all new experiences that aren't tied directly to his last year. I feel stronger than I have in the past thirteen months and I can feel where all my broken bits have begun to heal. I think my mother must be feeling something similar as she called me yesterday and told me she was making a pot of beef stew, fry bread and eggnog drinks and would I come down and watch the Rose Parade with her. This is literally the first meal invitation she's given since he died. (That's another new thing, I can say/type the word "die". Before it was just "left" and "gone".) 

Second, Kidling2 and his gf have parted ways, forever, and he came home Saturday morning. I'm more angry than sad. I had a feeling that something had shifted for them a few months ago and I begged them to reconsider her flying across the country with us for my father's funeral. She chose to come. We spent Christmas Eve with her family and she sat here on Christmas Day and I gifted her with treasures and my family and food and laughter. Did she have an idea? I don't know. I'm chalking it up to immaturity and first love. Kidling2 seems okay and that's the most important part. It's always strange, though, when our children experience a universal experience, how much it dredges up memory of your own experience....I'm processing all of that right now. And keeping it to myself as it really doesn't apply and is no one else's business. 

Third, Kidling1 landed that job an hour and a half away so this month we will be moving her up there and helping her settle in. It will be wonderful to have her that much closer and I'm so happy for her to start her new life! She and I are plotting all of our bohemian interior decorating schemes for her new three bedroom two bath loft in a vintage building above a tattoo studio, a Sign Language Interpreter's office, and a bar! I think I'm going to paint my old canopy fire engine red and let her have that for her guest room. 

* I'm setting some goals for myself and this house, too. I would love to get out of the dark holler we live in and build a cabin on a ridge property. I'm suddenly needing a VIEW. I am longing to look OUT rather than within. I want to see the horizon and I want the world to open itself to me, to my gaze. I've finally got D on board with this because we went to a NYE party up here at one of the secret million dollar homes and omg THE VIEW! It was the entertainment of the evening and it didn't disappoint. He is now seeing what I've been trying so hard to tell him. You can build your dream home on the edge of a cliff and look out at the wide wide world. We are going to go down the road aways and sit down with our elderly neighbors and discuss the twenty acre parcel they own next door to theirs....

In the meantime, I want to do some more renovation here. I want to expand the dining room, change out all the doors, exterior and interior, and remodel the downstairs bath. I also want to FINALLY decorate the pool house like a guest house and Kidling2 can use it as an apartment.

* And I want COMMUNITY here, a return to WORDS, and maybe even some fandom! 

* What do YOU want?!



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