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the vast immortal sea shall have her own



* I've been so silent because things have been so bad. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. But the situation has now improved. No Christmas miracle, but rather a Christmas resolution. On my part. And it has helped immensely. My mother and sisters stopped talking to me the day of the surprise Christmas tree when I *gasp* dared to tell them that my feelings were hurt at being left out. In my family, you really can't say you're injured without everyone piling on and telling you it's actually your fault for being x, y, and z. We had Kidling1 here when all that ruckus began, so it was pretty easy to distract myself. Physically. Emotionally and mentally I was not coping well. Spent many sleepless nights pondering, adding and subtracting, multiplying and dividing, the mental math of relationships. D stood helpless for a few days and finally said fuckit, let's get out of here, and we hit the road for Oregon. The ocean is a healing thing for me. The three of us drove up to the Washington border and hung out with D's family for a few days and I reveled in a far healthier dynamic than my own. Then we lit out for the coast and nothing on this Earth is like driving the Oregon coast. Breathtaking. Although, everything over there is named for the Devil - Devil's Punchbowl, Devil's Churn, Devil's Rock, 7 Devils....not sure what that is all about, but okay. I am now, officially, back in the market for an oceanfront property. It was a glorious road trip and exactly what I needed to calm my over-heated brain.











Things got ugly when we returned, via a group text, and I simply removed myself and told them it was a kindness. I privately reached out to my mother and told her that I wanted no weirdness and would that be possible. She said it would, so Christmas day we headed down the hill and spent a surprisingly peaceful if somewhat awkward afternoon and evening with everyone. Yesterday, Kidling1 and I went down again and had tea with my parents and things are much better now, with them. I am not sure yet what path I will follow concerning the two sisters.

Suffice it to say, fairtyales are archetypal for a reason. You will be fed poison, you will be devoured by monsters, your hands will be sacrificed, no one will know your true name, and mirrors lie.








* Other than drama....we started Rectify which is ASTONISHING but D hates it. I'll have to watch that on my own. The Vikings Season 4 Part 2 is far better than Part 1.

* I am reading a ton of lyrical very very dark prose. I will talk more about that in another post. It is a heartquake.

* So, 2016, good riddance. I'm looking forward to a fresh start full of resolutions and CHANGE.

* Hope you all are well. I fully intend to return to LJ with no whinging, no complaining, just writing and upbeat mullings and recommendations.

Comments

( 33 comments — Leave a comment )
ashbet
Dec. 27th, 2016 06:24 pm (UTC)
I'm glad that you had some time *away* from everything, and that your resolution to try and avoid getting drawn into additional family drama has been helping you.

*love and strength*

<3<3<3

(Also, that monument is beautiful!)
bleodswean
Dec. 27th, 2016 10:25 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you, A! I didn't realize I needed to run away until I did and then YES! Total relief. Things have to change. They simply have to...and I need to change the things that touch/affect me.

Isn't that an amazing memorial?!
swirlsofblue
Dec. 27th, 2016 06:27 pm (UTC)
*Hugs* I have that too where often relatives feel I shouldn't feel my feelings, it's hard. Glad it's working itself out though.

Merry Christmas.

Ooh lyrical very dark prose *Tell me more* *makes grabby hands*

bleodswean
Dec. 27th, 2016 10:27 pm (UTC)
Merry Christmas, J! I hope you had a good one. I also...want you to make a 2017 resolution to begin posting to your journal once again! I MISS YOU!!

Yep, relatives. I'm slowly backing away.

I will make a post about what I've been reading. And what I've been thinking about writing...and reading, lately.
(no subject) - swirlsofblue - Dec. 28th, 2016 06:32 am (UTC) - Expand
bauhausfrau
Dec. 27th, 2016 06:43 pm (UTC)
Lordy, there is nothing like family drama to throw your whole world into turmoil is there? I've finally come to the conclusion drama is inevitable - with kids, with parents, with sibilings and with friends. There is no escaping it. All we can do is try to weather the storm as best we can - and be kind.

Big hugs hon.

I know what you mean about the ocean, it's always been a balm for my soul. I'm glad you were able to take that trip.

Have you seen the OA? We're about 1/2 way through, I think you might like it...or hate it. LOL! One I think for sure you'd like is HBO's The Leftovers. Very dark, strange and beautiful all at once. They've got 2 seasons and one more coming out this year.
bleodswean
Dec. 27th, 2016 10:31 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thanks, L. How are things with your sister? I have arrived at a place where I agree with you completely. Dysfunction and drama are part and parcel of this human condition. I'm not sure it has always been that way or always will be or is similar in other cultures...but yes, this is what we DO in the here and now. It's exhausting. 2017 may be a year of hermitizing for me. I'm having fantasies of a remote one-room cabin in the wild woods of southern Oregon...I just want to be away. From all of it.

Have you guys done the Oregon coastline?! Well worth the roadtrip!

Ooooh, I saw OA when I scrolled past. I will put that in tonight's queue. Did you catch The Kettering Incident?
ryl
Dec. 27th, 2016 06:58 pm (UTC)
Are we kin? Are your sisters my sisters?

I need to catch up on the Vikings. I haven't started S2 yet. I'll fix that tonight.
bleodswean
Dec. 27th, 2016 10:34 pm (UTC)
Hahaha, omg, family! Crazy, huh? I know you're in the middle of it right now, too, with your father. Terrible how we do this to one another, in the worst of crisis's.

You are way behind! ;)
(no subject) - ryl - Dec. 28th, 2016 11:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
tsuki_no_bara
Dec. 27th, 2016 07:24 pm (UTC)
i'm glad things seem to be ok with your parents, at least. i hope eventually your sisters acknowledge that they hurt you. sounds like oregon was good for you. your pictures are of course fabulous.

i'm liking vikings too! it seems to have found its feet for the season.
bleodswean
Dec. 27th, 2016 10:46 pm (UTC)
It was NOT GOOD having things be bad with my folks, especially with my father's condition...terrible feeling, C. But my sisters? Fuck 'em. I'm feeling very done right now.

Oregon is good for me. I wish we could retire there...D loves this house and property, so realistically I have to accept that. But a vacation home???? I'm going to get to work on that dream!

Yes, it did find its feet. Ragnar/Ecbert is something amazing!
murielle
Dec. 27th, 2016 07:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, hon! I'm so glad D took you to the ocean. The cradle of life Tennessee Williams called it. There is something about seeing it, breathing it in that soothes and comforts and heals.

Family drama is utterly overwhelming, especially for the sensitive, the compassionate - well, you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like you found an ally in your mother. I'm so glad that someone ws willing to work with you.

Big hugs
bleodswean
Dec. 28th, 2016 01:34 am (UTC)
Thanks, M. *hugs* It's not been a good few months for me and these past trials were horrid. The ocean helped me remember and forget. I need to be there more.

Hope you've been well!
mijeli
Dec. 27th, 2016 08:31 pm (UTC)
Ugh :( I am sorry this happened! I would have been hurt in your place, too. And it must be okay to voice one's hurt. (though the tone is so, so important! I decided to skip family Christmas this year to stay in my new home-city with my man, and only him - and that resulted in drama too. Only my mum didn't voice her hurt in a reasonable way, but called me to throw jealous, rude and unfair blame my way AFTERWARDS. It was kinda ugly.)

I am glad you got to be by the ocean to heal your soul ... It is just such a healing place, I hear you perfectly even across all that distance :) Your D knows you well, that is beautiful.

It is good to see your name on here - as always. (And I look forward to that post on lyrical and dark dark prose..)
bleodswean
Dec. 28th, 2016 01:41 am (UTC)
*glomps* You go away for sooooooooo long!!!

Sorry to hear you had drama, too. I've simply grown too old to be controlled by guilt and shame. I'm done with that now and things will change going forward.

*hugs*

The ocean...I must find a way to make it part of my LIFE.

I will post about lyrical and dark soon!

Hope you are well!
(no subject) - mijeli - Dec. 28th, 2016 08:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
rayaso
Dec. 27th, 2016 08:34 pm (UTC)
I am sorry for the family dynamic. Since you can't change, at least for now, escape to Oregon was a great idea. The places you mentioned are all beautiful, although I don't know 7 Devils. I'm glad you're writing entries again.
bleodswean
Dec. 28th, 2016 01:33 am (UTC)
Thanks, G. I'm sorry for it, too. It's been nasty and full of existential pain and panic. I needed to get on better ground with my parents at the very least. And that has been accomplished.

Oregon!!! We went through during that crazy ice storm and OMFG! 5 was a glorious Jack Frost landscape that just awed!!! Everything was white and silent and the freeway was all close in and the sky was a heavy leaden silver colour that you felt you could reach up and stroke. GAH!!!
thistle_verse
Dec. 27th, 2016 08:35 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry your family continues to drain and disappoint.

I have an aunt and cousins in Portland, and I'd love to drive up there via the coast before I leave here. Not really to see the family, exactly, because I don't know them very well, but for the coastline. I'm glad you enjoyed your trip!!

Let's see, we watched The Crown recently on Netflix and really liked it. We just finished The OA last night-- still not sure how I feel about that one, but it was definitely something different. We did oiur annual Hogfather viewing right before Christmas.

Can't wait to hear what you're reading!

XO
bleodswean
Dec. 28th, 2016 01:35 am (UTC)
Thanks, B. It's been utterly draining and terribly poisonous. I'm not going to let that happen to me again. Life is a strange thing.

Maybe we should make it a girl trip! A road trip! We could see lighthouses!!! You really should get up there before you leave the country.

Heard good things about The Crown. I will try OA tonight!
mallorys_camera
Dec. 27th, 2016 08:59 pm (UTC)
It's so hard to separate oneself from family drama! Fortunately, it sounds like you are surrounded by love from the people who are closest to you (yr husband and offspring.)

Personally, I think that LJ exists so that we can whinge in it! But maybe that's just me. :-)
bleodswean
Dec. 28th, 2016 01:31 am (UTC)
I'm beginning to age out of my family of origin and into my nuclear. And I'm having to do this in a conscious way. It's been exhausting, P. I'm exhausted.

HA! Alright then! It used to be a lot whinier and a whole lot meaner.
(Deleted comment)
bleodswean
Dec. 27th, 2016 10:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks, G. It's been pretty brutal. I need to make some changes in how I interact/react.

The sea!!! Every time I am there I realize I need to be there more.

I hope your holidays are turning out warm and wonderful! Here's to a great New Year!

*hugs*
(Deleted comment)
(no subject) - bleodswean - Dec. 28th, 2016 01:30 am (UTC) - Expand
sunshinepops
Dec. 27th, 2016 11:55 pm (UTC)
Fairy tales do apply to life all too closely. I knew that but had forgotten. Those are lovely photos. The Oregon Coast is amazing even in the winter; maybe especially in the winter.
bleodswean
Dec. 28th, 2016 01:29 am (UTC)
Thank you and thanks for stopping by to comment!

I totally agree - we weren't sure how cold it actually would be over there. The roads were frozen, the wind was intensely biting, but the cold made it all that much more magical.
meridian_rose
Dec. 28th, 2016 09:27 am (UTC)
The ocean as healing is something that resonates with me. I'm glad you had the chance to get away and have the calm you needed. *hugs*
bleodswean
Dec. 28th, 2016 06:30 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you, L. I am so glad we did this. I was resistant at first, so overwhelmed...but it was definitely what I needed.
egg_shell
Dec. 28th, 2016 03:02 pm (UTC)
Why do family members feel that they can be so cruel? I'm glad you were finally able to rise above it. Love the coastal photos!
bleodswean
Dec. 28th, 2016 06:29 pm (UTC)
I know it, M. I cannot figure out what makes these people, who I've known my entire life, feel that they have some sort of right to this form of abuse. I'm done with it.

The coast!!!!
( 33 comments — Leave a comment )