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Five weeks ago yesterday. Goodbye 2017. I can't imagine what 2018 will bring. Because I really can't remember what it's like to be casually happy. I'm worried about my mother and broken-heart syndrome. I feel broken. It's a weird feeling. The world has become a darker place. I haven't listened to a moment's worth of music in five weeks. I used to listen to music four to five hours a day.

I don't want to dampen joyful spirits with my sadness. But I thought I should check in. I have a small feeling of hope that I could return here sometime soon and revive some old ways. I don't know.

I turned down the editor job. I think I may volunteer with Wreaths Across America in honour of my father. I can't write, so I'm not even thinking about words, but they keep scrolling across my mind and I keep refusing to read them.

I had a dream Friday night that I decided to surprise my family at my niece's wedding last Saturday in upstate New York. In the dream I was in the foyer of the lodge in which the wedding was taking place, the ceremony had finished and I was waiting to walk into the reception and surprise everyone. I was standing next to my father who was waiting patiently with me, a smile on his face, and I was thinking to myself, oh, how surprised everyone is going to be when Dad and I walk through these doors....

I am thinking of all of you. Happy New Year. I wish you all the best of everything!

Comments

( 26 comments — Leave a comment )
elenbarathi
Jan. 2nd, 2018 11:49 pm (UTC)
*hugs hugs hugs* So glad to see you here again; I've been thinking about you, and I hope you do return when you can. You're not dampening joyful spirits; on the contrary, it's a big relief to hear from you, even though you're so sad right now.

It's okay to be just as sad as you are. Grief is long - not forever, but it feels like forever while it lasts. It was a beautiful dream you had; I hope it brought a little comfort.

Wishing you the happiest New Year you can have under the circumstances, and happier ones in years to come. Hang in there, hon; love you!
bleodswean
Jan. 3rd, 2018 01:45 am (UTC)

*HUGS* Thank you, dearheart. Thank you. I do want to return. I need to give myself small moments in which to work and then move into those moments with intent.



Edited at 2018-01-03 06:57 am (UTC)
ashbet
Jan. 3rd, 2018 05:08 pm (UTC)
Please don't worry about dampening other people's joy -- being here for friends in good times AND bad is what we're here for.

It's utterly normal to feel bereft right now, and you need that love and support.

Much much much love, and I hope that those small moments add up and grow as the new year begins.

*gentlest of hugs*

-- A <3
bleodswean
Jan. 3rd, 2018 06:56 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you, A. These are wonderful and supportive words and mean a lot.
ryl
Jan. 3rd, 2018 01:10 am (UTC)
*hugs* I went through something similar when my mom died. Even when you expect it, it's still a punch in the gut.

May your new year get brighter. *more hugs*
bleodswean
Jan. 3rd, 2018 01:46 am (UTC)
*hugs* I am so sorry. It's a wonderment to me, now, that people aren't just wandering the streets weeping openly.

My father's death was completely unexpected THAT DAY. He was alert and talking with us. It's a terrible story. But yes, it makes very little difference, I suspect, no matter the circumstances.

*more hugs*
murielle
Jan. 3rd, 2018 03:00 am (UTC)
I have been thinking of you every day. Such a difficult, sad time for you.

Yesterday my cousin died. She had a massive stroke in the morning and died in the afternoon.

I echo your words from a post or so ago: hold your loved ones close, tell them you love them. We just never know the moment we will lose them.

Hugs, my dear.

Take as much time as you need. The words will come when you're ready to write again. Sending you love, and hugs, and healing.
bleodswean
Jan. 4th, 2018 06:20 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Oh, M. I am so sorry. *hugs* How do we keep moving forward?
adoptedwriter
Jan. 3rd, 2018 03:16 am (UTC)
Hugs...
bleodswean
Jan. 3rd, 2018 06:24 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
tsuki_no_bara
Jan. 3rd, 2018 06:05 am (UTC)
i've been thinking about you and wondering how you were, and here you are. i'm with elenbarathi - it's good just to hear from you and know how you are, even if "how you are" is "not great". i hope the year gets better for you, and that you find a way to start posting again. take care of yourself! *hugs*
bleodswean
Jan. 3rd, 2018 06:56 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you, C. I appreciate this. I'm going to try to pen a "normal" entry this weekend and see how it feels.
jaelle_n_gilla
Jan. 3rd, 2018 08:50 am (UTC)
*HUGS* I commiserate. My loss feels less devastating but still painful. I can only imagine how it feels for your much-loved father. I can tell you though, even though you may not believe it now, it will get better with time. You may never forget him, and once in a while there will be a bout of grief, but the periods in between will become longer and eventually there will be casual happiness once in a while again. And, thinking of him, he would have liked that. He liked you happy, not sad.

I think it's a nice idea to honor him by volunteering. Only, wait until it is really a remembering, not a way to keep the grief raw. You don't deserve that and neither does he. *hugs*
bleodswean
Jan. 4th, 2018 06:19 pm (UTC)
*HUGS* Thank you.

This is so wise - Only, wait until it is really a remembering, not a way to keep the grief raw.
meridian_rose
Jan. 3rd, 2018 09:43 am (UTC)
*hugs*
bleodswean
Jan. 3rd, 2018 06:23 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
xo_kizzy_xo
Jan. 3rd, 2018 12:53 pm (UTC)
:HUGS: :HUGS: :HUGS:

You don't need to say anything nor apologize. I wouldn't expect you to want to say anything, much less write anything.

I think the wreath organization is a lovely way to honor your dad.

I don't think I need to tell you that grief has a life of its own and it's going to hit you sideways when you least expect it.

I'm still here and I'm listening.

bleodswean
Jan. 4th, 2018 06:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Kiz. *HUGS*
crysania4
Jan. 3rd, 2018 01:35 pm (UTC)
Oh gosh I've been so out of touch on here that I missed what happened. I'm so dreadfully sorry to hear this. Losing my father was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through in my life and those dreams? The WORST. :-(
bleodswean
Jan. 3rd, 2018 06:23 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you so much for these words. This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever experienced.
spotzle
Jan. 3rd, 2018 06:42 pm (UTC)
So glad to see you again even for a short time. I've been wondering how you and your family were doing. *hugs*
bleodswean
Jan. 3rd, 2018 06:55 pm (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you, hon. I'm going to attempt to pen some "ordinary" entries this week...see if anything sticks.
duathir
Jan. 4th, 2018 03:39 am (UTC)
I am very sorry for your loss, and wish peace and comfort to you and your family.
bleodswean
Jan. 4th, 2018 06:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you. So very much.
geekslave
Jan. 5th, 2018 06:29 am (UTC)
*hugs* It's never anything you completely get over, but it does get a bit easier over time. Hope this year brings happy things to you!

Stacey
halfshellvenus
Jan. 8th, 2018 09:45 pm (UTC)
It's nice to see an update from you. I'm sure the holidays were really tough this year, and that things overall are just sad and numbing.

I'm sorry you had to turn down the editor's job. It would have been neat in the long term, but the timing just wasn't good.

I hope you're keeping as well as you can, and know that we're thinking of you.

*hugs*
( 26 comments — Leave a comment )