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i know my way is rough and steep

* Heading back down the hill in a few minutes to spend the afternoon with my mother. I haven't been able to spend Tuesday nights with her because of the freeze. I've had to come up the past two weeks, start a fire and let the Little Dog sleep inside. This house is so huge and open and if it's freezing outside and there is no fire inside for more than a day, it becomes very difficult to warm it back up again. I've been getting Code Red weather alerts on my phone, so I don't think I can stay down in the valley too long today. She still needs a tremendous amount of help. I'm working with her finances, but more than that she needs company and conversation. We took her out with us Saturday night to celebrate Kidling2's gf's birthday and it was such a simple, happy evening that she suffered terribly the next day. She doesn't want this to be her life. Two older couples came into the restaurant holding hands and that wrecked her. We finished the evening at a frozen yogurt bar and that, too, was wrenching because my father loved indulging. Anyway, the next day was bad. She's been having very Jungian dreams. That morning she dreamt that she was standing in the front yard with him and the entire property was buried beneath a blanket of fallen leaves. There was no ground visible. Theirs was the only yard on the street with these leaves and she kept asking him why, why, why. But he didn't answer her.

* I've slowly begun reading fanfic over at AO3. Greek Myth, Hades/Persephone. My weakness and my strength. I can feel the rising of words out of the dark waters of my mind.

* I've been asked to write an article about midwifery and found this - an unnamed wivestale "to birth your baby, the mother's soul must leave her body and go collect the baby's soul and bring it back."

This version. This.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 28th, 2018 09:20 pm (UTC)
I feel so deeply for your mother -- the combination of losses in the past couple of years have been incredibly difficult for me, and picking up the pieces of my life is still a struggle. Death is so goddamn final, there is no chance to make things right, no reconciliations, no closure. And what she's going through is a harsher loss, because of the number of years that she and your father shared each other's lives.

I hope that you stay safe, and that the weather cooperates for you to see her today.

*much much love*

-- A <3
Mar. 1st, 2018 04:53 am (UTC)
Hope you get to spend some time with your mother. *hugs to her*

Mar. 1st, 2018 09:27 am (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear your mother is doing to badly. I totally understand how it must be, to lose someone you love and lived with all your life.

Have you considered professional counseling or therapy? It seems to me you are right now compensating for her loss but that's not helping her deal with it. Even the happy events make her remember happy time with him, and make her fall back into sadness.

Without being a psychologist myself, I think what she needs is a drastic change. Right now everything seems to remind her of her loss. She'll need to focus on new things. Either move into a place where she can link up with other people, or find a hobby that she did not share with him, so actively focus on stuff that is not centered on the past.

There is also the aspect that, as long as she remains in that state, she has the benefit of her children taking extra care of her. I'm not telling you to stop that, of course, but it's one more thing that anchors her in the past and in her grief.

I think if would be good if you could persuade her to seek professional help. If only for your sake so you get a little bit of worry off your own back. *hugs*

I'm glad to hear words re rising again!
Mar. 9th, 2018 08:11 am (UTC)
I can sure understand why those reminders of other older couples and things she did with your father are such sharp, fresh anguish for your mother. It gets better with time, but not quickly.

I've been so holed-up in pre-surgery/post-surgery that I didn't think about what our 27- to 31-degree nights would mean for you! Our cat has spent a lot of nights in the laundry room, as it's just been too cold for to be outside. Even though she seems to spend the night hiding in the garage in the little red wagon, rather than... catching mice and other useful activities. :O
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )


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