This. Grief. I have moved out of the terrible pain and into the bone-deep sadness. Life is a strange thing, and we want Death to have meaning. I know that my father's passing three years ago broke me open and has left me open. Things are simply More now. And Z dying suddenly and in his sleep has been excruciating in the openness of my wounding.
Z was a wild creature who made us his pack. He was a baby and I was his momma. The outdoors was his domain and to step outside is to be present in his absence.
LittleDog is bewildered and lost and won't leave my side. I'm worried about him. He's become medically fragile in the past few years.
I had to sacrifice my place in Survivor Idol. I had no choice. I need to sit in silence for a bit.
“Grief can destroy you --or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it's over and you're alone, you begin to see that it wasn't just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can't get off your knees for a long time, you're driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”
― Dean Koontz, Odd Hours
Back over at Dreamwidth! Survivor Idol is a thing! And it's at Dreamwidth!